the dreaded day... gasp!!!! september eleventh...
this was always my favorite day in middle school cause every year we would just watch the same 9/11 documentary and do nothing. its really interesting, every few years i get really deep into the rabbithole. i have a question for you, dear reader: do u think 9/11 was an inside job? honestly? i think conspiracy theorists are kinda dumb. especially people who argue over 9/11. its like, what are you gonna do about it? okay, if 9/11 really was an inside job, what now? there's literally nothing you can do with that information. you're driving urself crazy over nothing, and you're annoying as shit when you try to sell it to everyone around you. lol. but i do get it, it's interesting and there's certainly a lot that doesn't lineup. i guess i just let a few really annoying conspiracy theorists ruin it for me.
my friend, axxxx, made me a huge key lime cookie. she developed the recipe for herself. i adore her, to be honest. baking is a science, it's so math-y, i dont think i'll ever be able to understand people who make their own recipes. that's why cooking is great, you can just throw shit together and make something amazing if you taste it every once in a while.
but the cookie was HUGGEEEE!!! it was probably 600-700 calories ;o; i wasn't gonna waste it, obviously, so i guess that was my omad for today. thank u axxxx for the cookie!!!!! <3
OH!!! Speaking of!!!! I should post that buttercake recipe... its sooooo good.....
HELLOOOOOOo! I am o FISH ally back to cringeposting on my livejournal!!! i decided i had nothing better to do, pluusssjss i wanna link it to my tumblr so i can make friends lol. im characteristically horrendous at making friends... so maybe this will convince people to talk to me or something. its part of my master plan 😈 nyehehehehe
anyway, a LOT has happened in the past few months. i'm like, officially sober now, (albeit against my will), i have a JOB so im not a bum, and im doing well otherwise. i rediscovered my love for baking, so i've been baking a lot!!!! maybe i'll post some of my favorite recipes here!
i dont know, maybe its the coffee i'm having but im feeling reallyyyy good right now :] i'm listening to the cure right now, i've listened to them since my freshman year (oh YEAH, im a senior now??? wtf!!!!!) but i'm ACTUALLY getting into them and i GET IT!! i get why people love the cure!!!
happy birthday me!!! boyfriend got mad because i had two shots and hung up on me. so i ssmoked, too. and had two more shots. im feeling anxious about tomorrow. he wished me happy birthday right after 12:00 butDAMN im anxious. i almost dont want to see him. because i know he's upset with me. i'd rather just die tonight.
speaking of dying tonight. i think me and exxx dxxxx are a lot more similar than we think. everything she says and does is like me if i had no filter or no better judgement. she posted something, saying
and DAMN our thought processes are almost identical. except the difference is that she posts it and i dont. i hope she;s okay.
9:25 am. one more day left of april. i always get so sentimental during days like these. "last day in april, the next one i'll be getting ready to graduate," or "i'll look back and miss april, 2024,", even though i took it all for granted as i always do. not that i'm fully upset, if i actually cared i'd make an effort to be more present in-the-moment.
actually, when i was writing the date maybe ten minutes ago for an assignment i put 4-19-25.i graduate in 2025, isn't that odd? its almost like i WANT it to be 2025. that's very much not the truth, though. i mean, sure, in the moment when i'm miserable i'll think 'oh yeah, i can't wait to graduate and get the fuck out of here', but i know in all reality, not to be a downer, that it only gets worse from here. yuck. get me out of here!!! get me out of everywhere!!!! there's not a single place i want to be right now besides in bed with him, in his arms.
spring break is almost over. here i am, staring at my wall and thinking. all i do is think. i've been thinking about how fast spring break has gone by- i've spent the last five days with either nxxxxx or axxxxxxxx. tomorrow i'm going to see nxxxxx early in the morning, we're spending the last day of break together.
i went to his house today at 2:20 and left around 7:45. i dont care to write down most of what happpened not because im uninterested in documenting it all, (in all actuality i keep a physical journal where i copy these entries in more detail. i just use this online journal to feel more seen hence the lack of detailing) but i dont feel like airing everything between us out onto the internet. anyways, i explained to him in sort of a spontaneous not-thought-out burst that i feel deeply regretful of a lot of the things i say or do... that i am afraid i will ruin things between us because of something i do... how the thought of how my mistakes compare to how perfect he's been to me makes me sick... and how afraid i was of losing him to a stupid mistake. instead, he reassured me and said he feels the exact same way. these feelings of inadequacy and fear, i can't tell if we're just an evenly matched pair or if they are common to all lovers.
i realize now that the paragraph above makes it sound like i cheated... which is NOT the case. i think cheaters are the one of the scummiest kinds of people there are. to let someone in in such a way that one does when he loves, i think it is the rawest form of vulnerability there is. there's kind of a point of acceptance when you're in love, when you're REALLY in love. when you sit down after an exhausting day and you look at your feet and listen to your air conditioner buzz and your mind goes back to them. and suddenly you realize the pads of your fingertips feel partial when theirs arent pressed against yours. and then it comes upon you that somehow your existence isn't just yours anymore, but part to a whole... okay im cringeposting bye bye.